I am sitting here at my vanity typing this blog at 11:53 PM on New Year’s Eve 2025. In seven minutes, it’s going to be 2026: a new year and a fresh start. There’s something magical about January first, even though time continues to move forward, our calendar subconsiously allows us to believe that we live in a cycle, giving us the ability to compare what was happening “this time, last year.” What was I doing this time last year? I was falling off the wagon. A theme that has followed and haunted me throughout 2025.
This year has been trying to work two full-time teaching positions so I can pay for my Ph.D. out of pocket and avoid taking on any loans. I have had my nose to the grindstone. In May, I attended my second residency and wrote the first chapter of my dissertation. During the summer, I wrote chapter two, and in the fall, I wrote chapter three. In October, I started my first official dissertation course and have spent the last three months going through approval processes and revisions. Right before we went on our one-week Christmas break, my dissertation proposal entered AQR-2. Once I complete this phase, I will be able to defend my proposal, become an official PhD candidate, and run my experiment. Hopefully, once my experiment is complete, I will be able to write the remaining chapters of my dissertation and defend it by the end of May 2026.
Getting a PhD is hard. No one really understands the process because a regular school doesn’t operate as a PhD program does. In regular school, when you get your diploma, your bachelor’s degree, your master’s degree, you literally complete the classes in order, and then you get your degree. With a PhD, it’s completely different. You have 60 credit hours that you have to complete but when you’re done with those 60 credit hours, if you’re not done with your dissertation, you have to take more classes until you satisfy your entire dissertation which is a proposal, an experiment, and then a conclusion that you defend so that you can become an expert in the field that you’re actually studying.
Getting a PhD is sort of like working out. You can’t buy fitness, and you can’t buy a PhD. You have to put in the work behind the scenes that no one sees to get the result that you want. For example, with my PhD, like everybody thinks you’re just writing, but no one considers the hours you spend reading hundreds of peer-reviewed journal articles, trying to craft a series of statements that back up the need for your study. No one sees the amount of revisions that you go through when you’re sitting by yourself in a silent house, trying to craft together those articles into your statements. And no one really understands that when you’re in a PhD program, you have to relearn how to write. It becomes this academic writing where you are stating claims, and you are synthesizing information, actually, to make what you’re trying to prove provable.
I think that’s the same with fitness. And I actually wasn’t planning on writing the blog this way; it just happened as I was venting. But no one sees you in the gym every single day except for the people you work out with. No one sees you grocery shopping, meal-prepping, and eating the same thing every day because you don’t have time to eat different things. And that’s kind of really where I have fallen off the wagon and need to get back to. I need to get back to doing the behind-the-scenes things no one sees to create the consistent life I had.
So now it is 12:07 AM, it is officially 2026, and I have a grocery list for the next 10 days’ meals I’m going to make for myself. I also saw this video today. I think I was on Instagram, and this woman talks about how she has stopped drinking and decided to remove all refined sugars from her diet. One of the things she talks about is, what’s your Y like for her? She just knew that sugar made her feel horrible, even though she was consuming it daily in the same way as alcohol. And she talks about how she got really serious with herself. She started actually saying like who do I wanna be and why or what am I going to do to get there and for me I know that I have allowed the stress and the anxiety and the everything with my PhD and all the work that I’m doing to pay for that PhD to get in the way of the things that I want to accomplish physically and mentally and spiritually and everything my PhD is really taken front stage. And that’s really because, like, paying for a PhD out of pocket is insane.
But what I’ve done is I’ve sat down, and I’ve actually said, like I have allowed myself 12 months to fall so far off the wagon, but I’m not gonna get mad at myself. I’m going to correct myself and feel good again. My body right now is so inflamed that I’m experiencing hardships in doing some of the everyday things that people do daily, because my weight has started to get in the way of those things. Again, I am struggling not to be mad at myself, not to be shamed by what I’ve done to myself, and to take the energy I would’ve used for those emotions and use it to course-correct and get back on track, because I know I can do that. I also saw another study that said that if you do fall off the wagon, you can get back on track 30% faster than you did when you started because of your muscle memory and all that kind of stuff, your body remembers what it is that you had done. It’s like, “Oh, OK, let’s get back to that so I don’t understand why I allowed myself to do this. I mean I do but I also don’t and I’m not gonna let that get in the way of things tomorrow. I’m gonna go to the grocery store, and I’m gonna take the dogs for a walk, and I’m gonna enjoy the last four days that I have off from work to get myself back on track.
And if I fall off the wagon again, I’m gonna get back on. I’m gonna try my hardest not to fall off the wagon, but as the title of this blog says, it doesn’t matter how many day ones you have, because eventually one of those day ones is gonna stick. You’re gonna be able to have this look back and be like, wow, like that was it, that was the time, and it doesn’t matter how many times you fall; it matters how many times you get back up.
I am sitting here at my vanity typing this blog at 11:53 p.m. on New Year’s Eve 2025. In seven minutes, it’s going to be 2026 — a new year and a fresh start. There’s something magical about January first. Even though time continues to move forward, our calendar subconsciously leads us to believe we live in a cycle, allowing us to compare what was happening “this time last year.”
What was I doing this time last year? I was falling off the wagon — a theme that followed and haunted me throughout 2025.
This year has been about working two full-time teaching positions so I can pay for my PhD out of pocket and avoid taking on loans. I have had my nose to the grindstone. In May, I attended my second residency and wrote the first chapter of my dissertation. During the summer, I wrote chapter two, and in the fall, I wrote chapter three. In October, I started my first official dissertation course and have spent the last three months going through approval processes and revisions. Right before we went on our one-week Christmas break, my dissertation proposal entered AQR-2. Once I complete this phase, I will be able to defend my proposal, become an official PhD candidate, and run my experiment. Hopefully, once my experiment is complete, I will be able to write the remaining chapters of my dissertation and defend it by the end of May 2026.
Getting a PhD is hard. No one really understands the process because “normal school” doesn’t operate the way a PhD does. In traditional schooling, when you earn your diploma, bachelor’s degree, or master’s degree, you complete the required classes, and you’re done. With a PhD, it’s completely different. You complete 60 credit hours, but once those are finished, if your dissertation isn’t done, you keep taking classes until the entire dissertation is complete — a proposal, an experiment, and a final defense that proves you are an expert in your field.
Getting a PhD is kind of like working out. You can’t buy fitness, and you can’t buy a PhD. You have to put in the behind-the-scenes work that no one sees to get the result you want. People think that doing a PhD is “just writing,” but no one sees the countless hours spent reading hundreds of peer-reviewed journal articles, trying to craft a series of statements that justify the need for your study. No one sees the revisions you go through while sitting alone in a silent house, piecing together those sources into coherent arguments. And no one really understands that when you’re in a PhD program, you have to relearn how to write. Academic writing requires stating claims and synthesizing information in a way that makes what you’re trying to prove actually provable.
I think fitness is the same way. I wasn’t planning on writing this blog like this — it just happened while I was venting — but no one sees you in the gym every single day except the people you work out with. No one sees you grocery shopping, meal prepping, and eating the same thing every day because you don’t have time for variety. And that’s where I’ve fallen off the wagon. I need to get back to doing the behind-the-scenes work no one sees to create the consistent life I once had.
It is now 12:07 a.m. It is officially 2026. I have a grocery list made for the next 10 days of meals I’m going to cook for myself. I also saw a video today — I think it was on Instagram — where a woman talked about how she stopped drinking and removed all refined sugar from her diet. One thing she mentioned was her “why.” For her, it was simple: sugar made her feel horrible, even though she consumed it daily. The same was true for alcohol. She talked about getting serious with herself and asking, “Who do I want to be, and what am I willing to do to get there?”
For me, I know I’ve allowed the stress, anxiety, and sheer workload of my PhD — and working to pay for it — to get in the way of what I want to accomplish physically, mentally, and spiritually. My PhD has taken center stage, and honestly, paying for a PhD out of pocket is insane.
But here’s what I’ve done: I’ve sat down and admitted that I’ve allowed myself 12 months to fall off the wagon. I’m not going to get mad at myself for that. I’m going to correct myself. I want to feel good again. Right now, my body is so inflamed that I’m struggling with things people usually do without thinking, because my weight has started to interfere with my daily life. I’m trying not to be mad at myself or ashamed of what I’ve done. Instead, I’m taking the energy I would’ve spent on shame and using it to course-correct and get back on track — because I know I can.
I also read that when you fall off the wagon, you can get back on track about 30% faster than when you first started, thanks to muscle memory. Your body remembers. It’s like, “Oh, okay — let’s get back to this.” I don’t fully understand why I let myself get here. I mean, I do — but I also don’t. And I’m not going to let that stop me. Tomorrow, I’m going to the grocery store, taking the dogs for a walk, and enjoying the last four days I have off work while getting myself back on track.
And if I fall off the wagon again, I’ll get back on. I’m going to try my hardest not to fall off, but as the title of this blog says, it doesn’t matter how many “day ones” you have. Eventually, one of them sticks. One day, you’ll look back and think, “That was it. That was the moment.” It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down — it matters how many times you get back up.
