No More Excuses

I have been struggling.

I’ve been gaining weight for about two of the last five years. I’ve regained 60 of the 150 pounds I once lost. I can feel it everywhere. Imagine carrying around two 35-pound kettlebells daily—that’s what my life has become. I hate it and myself for allowing it to get to this point. None of my clothes fit. I constantly crave sugar. And I eat to soothe the stress I’m under.

While I should be able to handle it, sometimes it’s just too much. Getting a PhD is not easy. Pair that with working two full-time jobs to pay for that PhD, and life gets overwhelming fast. I’ve been going nonstop for almost two years now. Even winter and spring breaks are filled with grading and catching up, so I haven’t had any rest. I’m exhausted.

So, why don’t I quit?

Quitting isn’t in my vocabulary. If I can stay on track this year, I can complete my dissertation and become a doctor by May next year. I see the light at the end of the tunnel—it feels far away. Even though I’ve started writing my dissertation, I’ve been warned that it might be tossed entirely once I get my chair in August. So I’ve been advised to write loosely and be ready to start over.

Winter break is when it started going downhill.

Things got worse over the winter break. We had three weeks off from work, but I only had one week off from my PhD. I told myself I wouldn’t work out the week of Christmas. That turned into the week of New Year’s… and continued. I didn’t start going back to the gym until late February, and even then, I couldn’t wake up in the morning. I kept oversleeping, so I looked into wake-up call apps.

I found one that makes you do math problems or squats to turn off the alarm. It worked… until I learned how to solve the problems in my sleep. I’d wake up at 7 a.m., completely missing my CrossFit class. I hate this. I miss my friends and feel embarrassed to return because I’m out of shape.

I don’t like the gym’s programming.

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is the gym’s programming. There’s nothing wrong with it—it just doesn’t motivate me. The warm-ups feel too long, and the workouts are only 10–12 minutes. That makes getting up and driving 20-ish minutes to the gym even harder. I don’t want to leave; I love the community—especially the 5 a.m. crew I’ve worked with for years.

To mix things up, I bought the Mayhem individual programming. I’ve tried a few workouts and like them. They bring back elements I missed from Back on the Bar—a 10-minute warm-up, some barbell work, a WOD or MetCon, and a cool-down stretch. Thursdays are cardio-heavy and brutal, but I feel like I could take on the world when it’s over.

Trying something old yet new.

I also joined EoS Fitness to start swimming laps again. In college, I used to swim for an hour, five times a week—it was amazing for my mental health. There’s something about the water clogging your ears, drowning out the world, and letting your body glide that gives your subconscious space to work things out. I need that escape back in my life.

I’m not planning to leave CrossFit—I’m just adding something that might help me regain some control over my life and body. Honestly, I toured EoS, and it was packed at 3 p.m.—claustrophobic. So I don’t see myself doing all my workouts there, but for $10/month, swimming laps is worth it.

No more excuses.

I’ve been making a lot of excuses. I’ve let embarrassment and shame take over. But I’ve got to push through. I can be embarrassed and ashamed and still show up. Being this heavy is hard. I hate not fitting into my clothes. I hate feeling frumpy and heavy. I hate that people have started treating me the way they did before I lost the 150 pounds. It’s awful.

There’s something called the “pretty tax” in this world. No one likes to admit it, but the fitter you are, the better people treat you. My dad told me, “If you know that’s how the world works, play the game. Get fit, care about your appearance, and win the game.” I used to hate hearing that, but it was apparent once I lost the weight. People held doors for me. They invited me into their plans. It even affected my professional life.

That made me angry, but I also realized that I had done the work and earned everything that came with it.

So yes, the last two years of my PhD have knocked me off my routine. But I must learn to get back on track—even when life is chaotic. It won’t always be easy, but I can’t let that derail me.

Here’s my action plan.

I plan to work out five times a week and do double sessions on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday—CrossFit in the morning and swimming in the afternoon. It’s nothing extreme; I’m just getting consistent again.

I’m also returning to a nutrition plan I followed with my old coach. It cycles through phases:

• Week 1–2: 5 high days, 2 low days

• Week 3–4: 4 high, 3 low

• Week 5–6: 3 high, 4 low

• Week 7–8: 2 high, 5 low

I’m not trying to get back to 162 pounds. Honestly, I’d be happy around 180–190. The funny thing is, when I first hit that weight, I was unhappy—I thought I had to get to 160. But looking back, I looked like I was starving at 160.

Macros & Food Plan

My base intake is 2,000 calories per day:

• 200g protein (protects lean muscle)

• 100g carbs (for energy)

• 89g fat (for hormones, mood, and satiety)

To stay on budget, I’ll eat the same meals Monday through Saturday and change them up each week.

Next week’s meal plan

Breakfast

• 6 egg whites (198g)

• 2 whole eggs

• 1 whole-grain English muffin

• 1 Tbsp peanut butter (16g)

Lunch

• 6 oz grilled chicken (170g)

• 1 cup jasmine rice (158g)

• 1 cup steamed broccoli (91g)

• 1 Tbsp olive oil

Snack

• 1 scoop whey protein (30g, lactose-free)

• 1 Tbsp peanut butter (16g)

• 1 medium banana (118g)

Dinner

• 6 oz ground beef (90/10) (170g)

• ½ avocado (68g)

• ½ cup cooked quinoa (92g)

• Mixed greens (40g)

• 1 Tbsp vinaigrette (15g)

I tried carnivore, and while I initially lost weight, I stalled out. I need something high-protein, higher-fat, lower-carb—but more balanced. I used ChatGPT to help build this meal plan based on my full-body scan and basal calorie intake from EoS. Will it work? I have no idea, but it’s a good experiment.

So, follow along as I blog about the experience. I’d love to start a YouTube channel, too, but right now, I just can’t add another thing to my plate. Maybe later. If you read this whole post, thank you. I will get better. I’m just struggling right now.